From Your Host Behind the Ghost,

        I’m going to confess something to you that only three other people have ever known, (and one of them was my doctor). I’m not doing this for attention, notes, re-blogs, pity, what-have-you.  I’m doing this because I hope I can help others by sharing my story. Because I don’t want anyone to ever feel like they’re alone in the world. No one should ever feel completely isolated from help or another caring soul. 

        Like many people, I self-harm. 

        It’s nothing I really *want* to do, despite that overwhelming urge. I don’t enjoy pain. I suffer from headaches and migraines on a fairly regular basis, why on earth would I willingly choose to add to that? I live in Florida, and it’s no fun wearing long sleeves out of shame when it’s 98 degrees out.  However, that desire to rip away at guilt, anger, and shame is powerful. I’ve been battling it for a long time, since I was about 10 years old. (I just turned 24.) 

       Why do I do it? Maybe my brain is “wired” wrong and chemicals aren’t flowing they way they need to.  (This also explains my manic depression-bipolar disorder and anxiety issues.) Maybe it all started because of a few traumatic childhood experiences. Maybe it’s genetic. (My paternal grandmother committed suicide, and my maternal grandmother suffered from mental problems. Both sides of the family are pretty fubar, really. It’s a double whammy.) Perhaps it’s all of these things combined. All I know is, I take my medication and I try my absolute best to counteract the negative feelings and thoughts. 

         It’s a hard fight, trying to make your body not do something that your mind is screaming at you to do. And the relief that comes right after that sting of pain only makes you want to keep at it.  I know it’s wrong, and I know it’s not helping matters, but there’s that feeling that it’s all you can do to fix anything. 

        “Ohmygod, that was so fucking stupid! Why did I fucking do that? FUCKING IDIOT! RIP RIP RIP RIP! TEAR TEAR TEAR TEAR! RIP THE GUILT! SQUEEZE THE GUILT! SKIN! SKIN IS THE GUILT! CLAW IT! RIP IT!”

         When I hurt myself, it’s because, in my mind, I’ve justified that I deserve it, for whatever reason it was. Saying a stupid joke in a conversation at the store that no one laughed at, getting into an argument, a bad grade, forgetting something, an embarrassing moment… Writing this post because of the possible hate I might get for it… 

         I’m terrified right now of the response this is going to get, if it gets any at all. I run the small risk of people saying mean things to me on the internet. Then again, any time I post anything, there’s that risk. I know, “Ignore it.” Great advice, but oftentimes hard to follow. Words, even typed ones by someone you don’t know, can have a great amount of power.

          But that’s why I’m posting this. That’s why I’m being open about my problem. Because words do have power—words of comfort, of caring, of openness, and acceptance. 

           I hurt myself less this past year than I did the year before that. I’m getting better. I still have a problem, but because of the medication and a few wonderful people I can talk to about it, I’m coping. But I also know I’m lucky. Not everyone has these resources at their disposal, or they feel they have no where to turn. 

            But there is always somewhere to turn.  Even here on tumblr! The agora crisis center is a great place to start: http://agora1970.tumblr.com/

            Hi…

           You’ve always known me as the Ghost Host, the silly spook who answers all of your curious queries with awful art and putrid puns, the Disney dork who loves sharing pictures of the parks and tidbits of trivia. 

           My real name’s Myrr. This is what I look like… Prepare your eyes! It cannot be unseen! :p

(I hope I didn’t shatter any expectations. :p )

I self-harm, BUT I’m going to get better. And I want you to get better, too! If you ever want to talk, to rant, or have someone to cry with, if you’re scared, my Ask box is ALWAYS open. I might not always have an answer, but I promise to be a good listener. 

Don’t be afraid to seek help. You’re not alone, and you don’t deserve the pain. No one does. It’s taken me a long time to realize I don’t. 

999 hugs,

Myrr…and Your Ghost Host